


Till Our Ribs Get Tough

by Stina0098



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Because I'm going to pretend that it is, Happy Ending, Is friends to kind of not friends to lovers a tag?, M/M, Minor Character Death, Mutual Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-19
Updated: 2020-06-22
Packaged: 2021-03-01 18:20:34
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 17,946
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23731480
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Stina0098/pseuds/Stina0098
Summary: Fourteen-year-old Donghyuck thinks that Mark Lee probably hung the moon.Eighteen-year-old Donghyuck wishes that they'd never met.
Relationships: Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Mark Lee
Comments: 100
Kudos: 667





	1. you're the only friend I need, sharing beds like little kids

**Author's Note:**

> i’d planned on this being a simple, short one-shot. then it became a two-shot. and became explicit.
> 
> it also, despite my valiant efforts, became a childhood friends to lovers story because i have zero self-control and have apparently not yet realized that there are, in fact, other ways for mark and donghyuck to establish a relationship.
> 
> nonetheless, hope u enjoy! ♡

“You’re pressing it wrong.”

The boy looks up, startled.

Donghyuck had heard the nurses talking about him when they’d been exchanging gossip in the hallway, not much else for them to do in the almost deserted hospital, and knew that he was new in town. Caught in the crossfire of a divorce, one of them had said, with a father that had decided that the best thing for his new family was to move to a new country in order to get a fresh start.

Donghyuck had been curious, curious enough to consider searching him out, but had then come to the realization that he was already on thin ice with the hospital workers and had chosen to go and lay down in the small waiting room on the second floor instead.

He’d been staring at the ceiling, following the constant movement of the fan, when the boy in question had hobbled into the room, planning to buy something from the vending machine.

Being new to town, new to the hospital, it wasn’t strange that he didn’t know how the vending machine worked.

“Huh?” The boy says, looking a little bit startled, and Donghyuck feels blood rush to his cheeks, neck growing mysteriously hot.

He’s cute, Donghyuck realizes, all large eyes and small facial features, black hair that falls just short of his eyes.

“The vending machine,” Donghyuck responds, and jumps over the small row of plastic chairs to come and stand beside him. “It broke a while back has been set on some kind of emergency setting ever since. If you want to buy number five, you’ll have to press number one five times.”

“Oh.” The boy answers, still looking a bit stunned, but follows his instructions. Out falls a snickers bar. “Thank you. I’m new here.”

“I know,” Donghyuck says. “I probably know everything that goes on in this hospital. I even know that Mr. Oh only pretends to be sick so that he can come and get free coffee. He gets very annoyed if you mention it, though.”

The boy blinks.

“Okay.” He says.

“I’m Donghyuck.”

“I’m Mark.”

He gets the watered-down version of the events leading up to the move, much less dramatic than the one the nurses had gossiped about, Mark’s father simply relocating for a job and the rest of the family moving with him.

Mark had broken his leg on day two while carrying a box full of books and had been sent back to the hospital for a check-up, although Donghyuck suspected that the check-up had more to do with the nurses being bored than Mark actually needing it. It was difficult _not_ to be bored when most of their small town was away over the summer and they were all stuck in a nearly empty building.

“What about you?” Mark asks, pulling him out of his musings. “Why are you here? You don’t look ill.”

“I’m allergic to the sun.”

Mark gapes at him, eyes wide.

“Really?”

“Nope,” Donghyuck says. “I’m healthy. But my mom is sick and she’s convinced that I can’t take care of myself so I basically live here. There’s not much to do, though, even less during the summer.”

“Oh,” Mark says and blushes, looking embarrassed. “I’m sorry.”

Donghyuck shrugs.

He doesn’t remember a time when his mother wasn’t sick, constantly in and out of the hospital, and thinks that he’s probably spent more time sleeping in the hospital bed next to his mother than he’s spent in his own bed back home. He’d practically been raised in the hospital, had even celebrated his fourteenth birthday in the coffee room a few weeks back, the nurses gathering around to wish him a happy birthday.

“If it makes you feel any better I doubt my summer will be any better,” Mark says clumsily, trying to cheer him up. “I don’t know anyone here and it’s not like I can go for long walks around the neighborhood. I don’t really want to be in my house, either.”

Donghyuck glances at Mark, hums.

“Well, my mom sleeps most of the time and I doubt she would mind if I left the hospital for an hour or two. I could show you around if you want. There’s a really good ice-cream store just a block away.”

Mark’s eyes light up.

“Tomorrow?”

Donghyuck does his best to act nonchalant, but there is already excitement rushing through him at only the prospect of actually doing something for the first time in over a month.

“Sure.”

* * *

When Mark gets dropped off by his father the next day, Donghyuck meets him by the entrance, and together they make their way to the ice-cream store, Mark clutching his crutches and Donghyuck kicking at pebbles, telling Mark all of the things he should know about their town.

“The lady who runs the ice-cream store is really nice,” he says. “She’ll probably give you an extra scoop for free since you’re new in town.”

Mark nods, thoughtful, and Donghyuck only feels a little bit proud when the prediction comes true, stealing a spoonful of vanilla ice-cream from Mark before Mark can stop him.

“Payment for showing you around,” he chirps, and for a second Mark doesn’t seem to know how to react before he settles on rolling his eyes, a small smile working its way on to his face as he moves his cup so that Donghyuck can steal some more.

They go and sit down on the patch of grass just outside of the hospital with their newly bought ice-cream, Donghyuck laying down on the ground and enjoying the feeling of the sun warming his skin.

“Have you lived here your entire life?” Mark asks.

Donghyuck nods, running his fingers through the grass.

“I don’t think my mom ever planned on settling down here, but she got sick when I was just a baby and got stuck, I guess. I’ll probably live here until after high school. The closest university is a two-hour drive away.” Without having been asked, he adds, “I want to major in music.”

He already knows that Mark used to live in Canada when he was young, that he found it so strange to hear people calling him Minhyung that he decided to stick with the name Mark even now when he no longer lives in an English-speaking country.

“That sounds nice,” Mark says. “I know how to play the guitar. We should play together sometime.”

They make plans to meet the next day as well, Mark bringing his guitar, but end up going to the small, run-down playground next to the hospital instead of venturing further into town.

It’s barely even a playground, only home to a couple of rusty swings and a sandbox, but Donghyuck doesn’t mind, swinging as high as he can before throwing himself into the air, jumping off. Sparks of pain dance up his feet when he lands, but he doesn’t mind when he catches Mark looking at him with large eyes.

He does that a lot, Donghyuck realizes as the week continues on and Mark’s father dropping him off becomes a habit, the two of them just lounging about, buying snacks or sometimes just sitting on the bench outside of the hospital talking.

Mark’s gets his cast removed on a rainy Thursday, but instead of sticking to their usual routine of hanging around the hospital, Mark asks him if he wants to come over to his house.

Donghyuck has been indoors all day, impatiently waiting for Mark to arrive since the moment he woke up, jumping at the smallest sign of a car passing by, but even so he hesitates.

He’s curious to see how Mark lives and wants nothing more than to leave the pale-green walls of the hospital, but he’s unsure if he should.

“I’ll have to ask my mother,” he finally settles, and Mark nods his head eagerly.

“I’ll go with you.”

And so Mark meets his mother for the first time ever.

He’s told Mark that she’s connected to an IV but not that she has a nasogastric tube, and Mark stops when she sees her, shock visible on his face. It only lasts for a second before he remembers himself and makes an effort not to stare, glancing at Donghyuck with some odd emotion in his eyes.

Donghyuck looks away, focusing on his mother. She seems to have just woken up from a nap because her eyes are unusually clear and she has the energy to smile when she sees them, propping herself up against the pillow.

“Mom, this is Mark.”

“Oh,” She says, eyeing Mark with gentle eyes. “So you’re the boy Donghyuck keeps talking about. You’re just as cute as I thought you would be.”

Donghyuck blushes, refuses to look at Mark.

“It’s nice to meet you,” Mark responds and Donghyuck cuts in before they can exchange any more words with each other, not trusting his mother to not embarrass him.

“I was wondering if I could go to Mark’s house,” he asks, and sees the way his mother swallows, looks a bit hesitant.

“Is it far from here?” She asks.

Donghyuck looks to Mark for an answer.

“No,” Mark responds. “It’s only a twenty-minute walk from here. I’m sure it won’t be a problem for my dad to come drop him off if it gets too late.”

His mother hesitates for another second before she finally agrees, biting her lip. 

“I—Only for a little while, okay? You know I get anxious when I don’t know where you are.”

“Okay,” Donghyuck answers, excited by her approval, and shares a smile with Mark.

* * *

Mark’s house is nice, much nicer than his own.

It has a driveway with not one but two cars, a large porch and rosebushes that are too uniform to be anything other than meticulously trimmed. He follows Mark into the house, finding himself wondering why Mark had said that he didn’t want to spend time in his house the first time they had met.

If Donghyuck had a house like his he would never want to leave.

“Do you want something to drink?” Mark asks, looking a bit awkward, and Donghyuck realizes that it’s probably the first time he’s ever invited someone to his house and is trying his best to play host. Donghyuck fights back a sudden urge to pinch his cheeks. “I think we have lemonade in the fridge.”

“Have I ever turned down something that’s free?” Donghyuck ask and Mark snorts, some of the tension dropping from his shoulders.

There’s an older boy sitting in the kitchen that glares at Mark as soon as they enter, not even attempting to hide his apparent dislike, and Donghyuck glares back at him even as Mark ignores him.

The only thing alerting him to the fact that Mark is more than a little bothered by the boy is how quickly he pours the lemonade, pushing Donghyuck towards what Donghyuck presumes is his room, shutting the door behind them as soon as they’ve entered.

“Who was that?” Donghyuck asks, a bit confused.

“My stepbrother, Yoojin.” Mark responds quietly, and from the way he says his name, Donghyuck suspects that there isn’t a lot of love lost between the two stepsiblings.

“You don’t like him.” Donghyuck states.

Mark pouts.

“ _He_ doesn’t like _me_. He was the reason I broke my leg, you know. He says that he just tripped me on accident but I don’t understand why else he would have stuck his leg out when I was in the middle of walking down the stairs.”

Donghyuck frowns.

“Did you tell anyone?”

Mark deflates.

“No. I know my dad and stepmom are trying their best to get us to get along. I don’t want to trouble them.”

Donghyuck makes a mental note to not only glare at Mark’s stepbrother the next time they see each other but probably stomp on his foot or something, but drops the subject for the time being since he can tell that the subject makes Mark sad.

They spend the rest of the afternoon playing video games, hiding away from the rain, and Donghyuck finds himself disappointed when the day comes to an end.

It’s beginning to become a reoccurring trend, he realizes.

Somewhere along the lines, his favorite part of the day had become the time he got to spend with Mark, always dreading when Mark had to go back home or he had to return to the hospital. Nonetheless, he knows that he has probably stayed longer than he should when clock on the wall lets him know that it’s already half past five.

“See you tomorrow?” Donghyuck asks as he ties his shoelaces, glancing up at Mark.

“Let’s go buy ice-cream again if it’s sunny,” Mark responds, and Donghyuck nods.

“Your treat, then.” He says sweetly and considers blowing Mark an exaggerated kiss. “I’ve already spent my allowance this month.”

Mark sticks his tongue out but doesn’t object, and the rest of the summer passes faster than Donghyuck remembers it ever having done before, the people who had been gone over the summer seemingly returning overnight.

Mark is placed in Donghyuck’s grade instead of the year above him, curtesy of living most of his life in Canada, and Donghyuck has to make an effort not to slump in relief when Mark pops his head into his classroom and introduces himself with an awkward wave.

“And here I was hoping you’d get placed into the other class,” Donghyuck says pleasantly as soon as there’s a break in between their lessons, the lie obvious even to him, and introduces Mark to Jeno and Jaemin.

Mark asks about them when the school day is over, after he’s given Donghyuck a ride on his bike, leg finally fully healed. They’d stopped by the convenience store on their way to the hospital and had bought some snacks before coming to sit by the small river running through the town.

“Jeno and Jaemin were really nice,” he says. “Are they your best friends?”

“I guess,” Donghyuck answers, never having thought much about it. “But they’re closer to each other than they are to me. Their mothers were best friends growing up and planned their pregnancies so that they would have children around the same time. They live next door to each other, too.”

Their closeness had intimidated Donghyuck when he’d been younger, back before he’d gotten used to it and realized that Jaemin and Jeno being close didn’t mean that they didn’t like him, too.

It wasn’t even until he’d met Mark that he’d realized how nice it was to have a best friend, someone who didn’t treat him like a second choice.

Because while they all hang out, Mark developing inside jokes with Jaemin and having the same sort of calm approach to life as Jeno, it’s always Donghyuck he sits next to during lunches, always Donghyuck he accompanies to the hospital after school is over and does his homework together with.

It’s _Mark_ who suggests throwing his mother a homecoming party when he receives the news that she’s stable enough to finally be able to go home, not Jaemin or Jeno, even if they both jump on the idea as soon as it’s presented.

He’s special, Donghyuck thinks, entire body warm even as he rejects the proposal.

“I don’t think she’ll have the energy for it,” Donghyuck says, Mark looking a little crestfallen. “But maybe you can come and sleep over tomorrow? I don’t think she would mind,” Donghyuck continues, a little bit shyly.

It’ll be the first time Mark sees his house, and while they’ve spent a lot of time together at Mark’s house, they’ve never slept over before, Donghyuck never wanting his mother to worry more than she already did.

There’s also the small matter of his mother still being tired most of the time despite being better, making him doubt that they’ll even be able to stay up late. But even so, he really wants Mark to come over, to not have to worry about him go home for once.

He always wants to spend time with Mark.

“Sure.” Mark says, smiling, and Donghyuck feels himself flush, a responding smile growing on his face.

When Mark arrives on his bike the next day he brings a deck of cards, and Donghyuck feels more at home sitting around their small kitchen table with his mom and Mark than he ever remembers being, his mother even staying a while to make small talk with Mark after they’ve had dinner before she retreats to her room.

Unlike Mark’s house, where there is a guest room complete with a separate bathroom, they both sleep in Donghyuck’s bed, Mark borrowing a pair of his shorts and his toothpaste. Donghyuck had worried about Mark finding his home boring, but there’s a small smile on his face as they prepare to go to bed, not bored in the slightest.

Donghyuck grins, pressing his cold feet against Mark calves and causing him to jump, to let out a squeak.

“It’s still not too late for me to go home,” Mark threatens, but Donghyuck knows that he’s all bark and no bite and isn’t even a little bit worried, giggling.

“At least I’d get the bed to myself,” he says, and Mark tries to elbow him in the side.

A beat passes before Mark speaks again.

“I’m happy we became friends,” he says. “I hope your mom stays healthy.”

“Me too,” Donghyuck responds and cuddles a bit closer to Mark, and as the year passes, she does. His mother is still tired, but Donghyuck doesn’t remember a time where she hadn’t been and it’s a far cry from the seventeen, eighteen hours she used to sleep when she was at her worst.

Not having to spend all of his free time at the hospital, he decides to join an extracurricular activity, convincing Mark to try out for the basketball team after he’d seen him lingering by a flyer. After much consideration, Donghyuck joins the choir, his interest in sports minuscular, and ends up befriending a guy named Renjun whose voice is the only angelic thing about him.

Renjun becomes a part of his group of friends before Donghyuck has the time to blink, teasing Mark with a passion that even rivals his own, and Donghyuck has to stifle the part of him that wants to march over and separate the two of them the first time it happens, knowing that he’s being ridiculous.

Fall turns to winter turns to spring, and then Donghyuck is once again stuck watching as more and more people make plans to leave town, to head to different countries or spend their summers with their families in some other town.

He thinks that he’ll at least get to spend his summer with Mark up until the moment Mark receives an invitation to spend the summer with his mom in Toronto.

“When will you leave?” Donghyuck asks, focusing his attention on the cherry leaf he had plucked in favor of looking at Mark, slowly tearing it apart and hoping that Mark won’t see his expression.

“The sixth, I believe.”

Donghyuck clearly does a terrible job at hiding his disappointment because even Mark notices.

“What?”

“That’s my birthday.”

Mark’s eyes widen.

“What? How are you going to celebrate it?”

Donghyuck had hoped to celebrate it with Mark, but that didn’t seem probable anymore.

“I don’t know.” He shrugs, dispirited. “Everyone’s always out of town. It’s usually just like any other day.” Sometimes the nurses at the hospital would give him dessert or buy him a chocolate bar. When he was younger he got a teddy-bear, only later realizing that the teddy-bear was a dime a dozen, one of the many identical ones they kept in the storage room to give to scared children.

Mark frowns, not comforted by his words in the slightest, and Donghyuck had almost forgotten about their conversation the morning of his birthday when he hears a knock on the door.

Disoriented and still in pajamas, he opens it and expects to see the postman or maybe a neighbor only to come face to face with Mark.

Mark’s cheeks are flushed, his eyes bright, and he’s carrying a box of something in his hands.

Donghyuck gapes at him.

“What are you doing here?” He asks, dazed.

There’s a car parked in the middle of the otherwise empty driveway and Donghyuck can just make out Mark’s father in the front seat, waiting for Mark with the engine still running. They must have stopped by his house on the way to the train or the airport of wherever it was they were heading.

“I brought you this,” Mark says, and hands him the small box. Donghyuck opens it, hands trembling for a reason he refuses to understand, and spots the ugliest looking cupcake he’s ever seen.

“I wanted to buy you a cake but it was too expensive,” Mark explains, cheeks red. “And then I realized that I could just make you one instead, but I burnt most of the batter and ended up with only enough to make a cupcake.” The words come out in a rush, and Mark stops to take a breath, smiling at him. “Happy birthday.”

Warmth blooms inside of Donghyuck, so sweltering that it paralyzes him, leaves him staring at Mark until Mark squirms and scratches the back of his neck, looking a bit shy.

“I know it’s not much but—”

“Thank you.”

The blush on Mark’s cheeks deepens.

“It was nothing. I—See you in a few weeks?”

And then he rushes off, leaving Donghyuck staring at his car with conflicting emotions warring inside him.

The cupcake tastes even worse than it looks, but Donghyuck savors it, takes a bite of it here and there in hopes that it will last longer, takes a picture of it even. His mother asks him about it, wondering why there’s a half-devoured cupcake in the fridge.

“It’s from Mark,” he preens. “A birthday gift.”

His mother smiles.

“I’m happy you have a friend like him.” She says, and brushes some hair out of his face.

The cupcake lasts only for a few days, and then Donghyuck is once again left alone with his own thoughts in a town that is mostly empty. He spends the rest of the summer bored out of his mind, restless and surprised by how quickly he had grown used to Mark’s presence in his life. He receives a post-card from him in the middle of July and reads it until he thinks he has most of the words memorized, happy that Mark at least seemed to be having fun visiting his friends and family in Toronto.

An eternity passes before school is back, and the night before his first class he lays awake in bed, wondering if Mark is going to have changed over the summer. When he finally makes it to school the next day, Mark greeting him with a large smile that turns into an annoyed sigh five minutes later, Donghyuck thinks that he’s worried for nothing.

“I can’t believe I almost forgot how annoying you are,” Mark says, the playful smile on his face betraying him, and Donghyuck latches on to his arm, happy.

“That’s why you shouldn’t be gone for such a long period of time,” he says and Mark bites his lips, contemplates his words.

“I probably won’t be,” he responds. “Or if I am, I’ll probably only stay for a month at the most.”

“I thought you had fun,” Donghyuck says and Mark fidgets, looks away.

“No, I did. It’s just—You know. It’s a long time to be away?"

Donghyuck doesn’t know since he’s never actually left town for longer than a day or two, but nods, not wanting Mark to change his mind.

* * *

They celebrate the first school day being over by going to buy ice-cream, chatting about their summer and once again coming to sit by the small stream.

Donghyuck closes his eyes and relishes in Mark’s company and the lingering summer heat before he stands up to leave for choir practice, Mark giving him a ride back to school on the back of his bike, and Donghyuck makes a mental note to ask his neighbors if they need any help, wanting to save up enough money to buy his own.

Most of the school year passes by unnoticed, lost to routine, the only hiccup being Mark’s relationship with his stepbrother, Yoojin. Donghyuck hadn’t thought that their relationship could deteriorate further, had thought that it might have even gotten better since Mark suddenly seemed reluctant to leave town, but that had clearly not been the case.

Donghyuck receives a call from Mark late one Friday evening, wondering if he can come over, and Donghyuck can tell from Mark’s voice that something’s happened.

Mark arrives some twenty minutes later and Donghyuck tiptoes around his kitchen in hopes of not waking his mother, microwaving some hot chocolate that Mark receives without a word, clearly lost in his own thoughts.

It worries Donghyuck, so used to seeing Mark with a smile on his face. He’s seen Mark annoyed, angry even, but never this upset, never genuinely sad.

“Let’s go to my room,” he says quietly, and Mark follows him, watching silently as Donghyuck digs out a spare t-shirt and some sleeping shorts. It isn’t until they’re both in bed, the only sound coming from the steady ticking of the clock that Donghyuck asks what had happened.

He isn’t surprised when he finds out that Mark’s bad mood had something to do with his stepbrother.

“He’s such an asshole,” Mark sniffles. “I don’t know what to do.”

Donghyuck frowns, feeling a little bit helpless.

If it had been anything else he’d have known what to say, but he’s never had a sibling, never had problems getting along with a family member. He opens his mouth, words on the tip of his tongue, but closes it a second later and settles on patting Mark’s head, Mark’s hair soft under his touch.

Mark sighs into the touch, eyes wet.

When Monday comes Donghyuck punches Yoojin.

It probably hurts him more than it hurts Yoojin, leaving both his hand and eyes stinging, but Donghyuck doesn’t regret it, not even when it lands him in the principal’s office.

He’s not allowed to go to school for the rest of the week and is met with his mother’s disappointed gaze when he is finally sent back home, worried more than anything else, Donghyuck never having been violent before.

Unlike his mother, Mark is mostly panicked.

“I—You—What if you had gotten _expelled_?” Mark asks over the phone, rambling. He’s held a long-winded monologue for five minutes, has talked about everything that could have gone wrong for three, and Donghyuck had practically been able to feel Mark’s heart rate spike through the phone.

“At least I would have gone out with a bang,” Donghyuck says in an attempt to lighten the mood. “Plus, I was bound to get expelled sooner or later. Better it be for defending my best friend than for talking too much during class.”

Mark is quiet for a moment and Donghyuck wishes that he could see what kind of expression he was making before Mark resumes his lecture about solving problems through _words_. He rambles on about Yoojin being his problem, not Donghyuck’s, and then makes a side comment about Donghyuck being really cool, like superman or something, before growing quiet once more, clearly in the middle of some emotional storm that Donghyuck can’t even begin to understand.

Mark takes notes for him the rest of the week and comes over after school to hang out despite his mother’s protests – sure that it would be more of a punishment to go a week without speaking to Mark than it would be not going to school.

She’s right, but it still doesn’t stop Donghyuck from sneaking out to see him either way.

It’s only when he gets back to school that he realizes that the fight has turned him famous, that there are apparently more than a dozen rumors about the reason he had punched Yoojin at two pm in the afternoon.

Jeno, Jaemin and Renjun seem to all collectively figure out that it has something to do with Mark, although they still glance at Mark in confusion, perplexed that they are still close even after Donghyuck had punched his stepbrother, closer if anything.

It isn’t until Donghyuck’s mother faints in the middle of grocery shopping that Donghyuck realizes that the life he’d been living, where his mother was healthy and the largest problem he had was a dispute with another student, had been nothing more than a sweet illusion.

The cancer is back, he’s told, the sadness in the doctor’s voice doing nothing to cushion the harshness of her words, and all Donghyuck feels is numb. He doesn’t even know if he should be surprised.

He’s grown up living in a hospital after all, his mother being sick might just things going back to normal.

“We’ll be fine,” his mother says, and Donghyuck nods, tries to convince himself that it’s the truth. “I’ve pulled through before. This is just a bump on the road.”

She smiles at him, tells him to go home, and that in itself is different from how things used to be. He’s older now than he had been when she’d first been admitted, older even than when he’d first met Mark by the vending machine –having turned seventeen earlier that summer— and his mother no longer worries about him burning the house down or deems him unfit to spend even a night alone in their house.

Donghyuck knows that she still worries though, that she’s lonely, and so he spends most of his evenings and nights at the hospital either way, dropping out of the choir and pretending not to notice how worried Mark looks at the development.

Mark tries to visit as often as he can, too, getting into a habit of popping by as soon as his basketball practice is over.

It leaves Donghyuck staring at him in surprise the first time it happens, when he runs into him in the hallway, Mark still in his basketball gear. They spend the evening sitting in the waiting room on the second floor, talking about nothing in particular. Mark shows him some of the songs he had found on Youtube, and Donghyuck feels himself relax only at the sound of his voice, leaning his head on Mark’s shoulder, suddenly sleepy.

Mark stays later than he probably should being that they both have class in the morning, but Donghyuck doesn’t want him to leave, going as far as to follow him out of the hospital while Mark fiddles with the lock on his bike.

“You know you don’t have to stop by,” he says when Mark slings his backpack over his shoulder, a part of him wishing that Mark won’t hear him. “I know you have a lot going on. You really don’t have to worry about me.”

“Shut up,” Mark responds. “You’re my best friend. Of course, I do.”

And for the first time in almost a month, the lingering feeling of numbness in Donghyuck’s chest disappears.

* * *

Realizing that he’s in love with Mark is surprisingly uneventful.

He doesn’t even know when he started to view Mark differently, if maybe he always had, feelings stretching beyond simple friendship to something else, something that has his heart throbbing when Mark so much as looks his way.

It should worry him since he knows that nothing good will ever come out of being in love with someone he knows probably only views him as a friend, but being around Mark serves to make him so happy that he can’t even bring himself to care, finally understanding why he had always felt happier around Mark than he did anyone else, more comfortable.

It isn’t strange that one of his friends finally notices, the topic of dating coming up when they’re having lunch.

“Aren’t you interested in dating?” Jeno asks him over his bowl of soup, gazing at him curiously. “I’ve never heard of you ever being interested in someone.”

“And devastate the heart of girls and boys alike?” Donghyuck responds, averting the question. “Have I ever been that cold?”

Jeno ignores him.

“You’re popular, you know. It’s not like you would have any problems finding someone to date.”

“Oh, I think Donghyuck knows exactly who he wants to date,” mutters Renjun under his breath, and Donghyuck freezes, hopes that no one picks up on his comment. Thankfully no one does, and by the time Mark arrives and sits next to Jeno, throwing an arm around his shoulders, the conversation has long moved on.

Donghyuck is still frozen, however, and Mark notices, nudging him with his foot under the table with an unspoken question in his eyes. Donghyuck responds by nudging him back, probably harder than he should, because it causes Mark to yelp and for the rest of his friends to look at him in confusion.

It isn’t until the bell rings and he heads back to his locker with Mark in a tow that he notices that there’s an odd energy to Mark.

He gives Mark a few minutes to speak before he tells him to spit out whatever it is that is on his mind, patience gone.

Mark bites his lips, looks a bit shy.

“It’s nothing, it’s just that I got invited to a party by one of my teammates this Friday. I was wondering if you wanted to go with me?”

“Just the two of us?”

Mark looks away, scratches the back of his neck.

“I mean, we can invite the others as well?”

Donghyuck shakes his head, throat suddenly dry.

“No, forget I said anything. Let’s go.”

Mark grins.

“Okay.”

It isn’t until it’s the day of the party that he realizes that Friday had also been the day his mother had been scheduled for another treatment. When he drops by after school she’s still exhausted, and Donghyuck refills the glass of water on her bedside table but leaves the room soon after, not wanting to disturb her.

He is still planning on going to the party since he knows that his mother is just going to spend the evening asleep either way and that being around Mark always makes him feel better, when one of the nurses grabs on to him.

“You’re such a good son,” she says. “I know plenty of children who wouldn’t have been this supportive. I know that you being here is a great support for your mother, especially since your father isn’t with us anymore. This is going to be a tough night for her.”

Donghyuck feels his stomach twist, drop to the ground. He glances at his mother, feels his nails dig into the palm of his hand.

Mark picks up the phone on the second ring, Donghyuck able to make out the same English artist Mark has had on repeat for the last month in the background.

“Hey,” he says, upbeat. “I was just about to call you. I was wondering if we could meet up a little bit earlier so that we could go to the supermarket? I know that there will most likely be alcohol at the party but I was thinking we could just drink soda?”

Donghyuck swallows down the lump in his throat.

No matter how popular Mark has become since he’d become a fixed member of the basketball team, he’s still just as awkward, still just as hesitant to break the rules as he had been at fourteen, and there’s no one else that Donghyuck would rather spend his Friday night with.

“That’s why I called.” He says instead, wills his voice to come out normal. “I don’t think I’m going.”

“Oh.” Mark says, quiet. “Why?”

Donghyuck knows that Mark will probably skip going to the party to come and hang out with him if he tells him the truth, and although there are a few people who might disagree, he’s not that much of an asshole.

“Just don’t feel like it.” He says. “I’m tired. Think I’m just going to go to sleep.”

“Oh, okay.” Mark says, and then there’s a long moment where he’s simply silent. “See you Monday, I guess?”

“Yeah.” Donghyuck answers, and then hangs up and spends the rest of the night in the chair by his mother’s bed, the hospital seeming less welcoming than ever.

When Monday comes around Mark isn’t there to eat lunch with the rest of their friends like he usually is, and when Donghyuck asks about him Jaemin gets a mischievous look in his eyes.

“Maybe he ditched us to go and spend time with Yerim,” he says, grinning.

Donghyuck frowns.

“Why would he do that?”

“I heard from Heejin that they apparently spent all Friday night talking. She said that it looked like they got along really well.”

Ice runs through his veins.

He isn’t sure what he would do if the reason Mark got into a relationship was because he had stood him up, knowing with certainty that Mark wouldn’t have spent the night talking to Yerim if he had been there instead.

“I’m sure they’re just friends,” He mutters and stands up to leave, but there’s a tiny seed of doubt nagging at him.

Hoping to sound casual, he brings it up after school is over, when he’s waiting for Mark to put on his shoes.

“Did you have fun at the party?” He asks and focuses all his attention on Mark. He expects Mark to blush or stutter but instead he only seems distracted by his shoelaces.

“It was fine,” He says, finally straightening up. “Do you want to head to my place or yours?”

“Mine,” Donghyuck answers, because he needs to go home and take a shower before heading back to the hospital and he knows that Mark prefers hanging out at his house as well. Even now he can see tension drain from Mark’s shoulders and wonders if things had gotten worse with Yoojin once again.

Ever since Donghyuck had punched him Mark had been hesitant to talk about Yoojin with him, probably scared that he would do something reckless like punch him again, but Donghyuck can always tell when something is up.

They begin the walk back to his house, and Donghyuck wonders if he should try asking about the party once again or if that would be too suspicious.

In the end he caves.

“I heard that you and Yerim hit it off.”

Mark turns to look at him in surprise.

“You did?” He asks. “Did you know that she also used to live in Canada? We apparently even went to the same kindergarten.”

“Oh,” Donghyuck says, and doesn’t know if he should be relieved that they had probably only spent the evening reminiscing about their childhood or be worried that they had bonded over a common denominator. “That’s nice.”

Mark smiles, shrugs, and Donghyuck finds himself relieved that Mark doesn’t find any other reason to talk about her.

When they’re at his place he tells Mark to make them some drinks while he showers and packs his overnight bag, not trusting Mark to make anything else.

When he’s done, walking back into the kitchen, Mark looks at his bag and frowns.

“Aren’t you heading back home, later?”

Donghyuck shrugs.

“I might. They have extra beds at the hospital, though.”

“You should sleep in a real bed.” Mark says, biting his lips.

“I do.” Donghyuck says. That’s the real difference between now and how it had used to be when he was younger. Back then he had spent weeks without going home, but now he sleeps maybe one out of four nights in his own bed. “It gets lonely, though. Especially on the weekends.”

Mark doesn’t seem very reassured.

“Maybe we can have a sleepover this weekend, then? Invite the others and just watch a movie and hang out?”

“Sounds good.”

He tells all of his friends to bring their own sleeping bags, and they spend the evening watching old action movies and eating enough snacks that Donghyuck thinks his stomach is going to burst. The go to bed sometime in the early morning, Jaemin whining about getting the worst spot on the floor until Renjun threatens to throw him outside if he doesn’t shut up.

He and Mark lay next to each other, arms brushing from where they aren’t tucked into their sleeping bags, and the skin on Donghyuck’s arm tingles.

He shuffles closer, almost expecting Mark to pull away, but Mark only rests his head on his shoulder.

“Can I ask you something?” Donghyuck asks quietly when he’s pretty sure the others are asleep.

“What?” Mark whispers back.

“Do you like Yerim?”

“No.”

“Okay.”

Mark is quiet for a moment, before he stutters out a question.

“Do you umm…want me to?”

“No. The only person I’m okay with you liking is me.”

Even in the dark, Donghyuck can see blood rushing to Mark’s cheeks.

“I—I think—Um—Good.”

They fall asleep with their arms still brushing, Donghyuck’s heart racing, and wake up in the morning to an absolute ruckus –Jaemin trying to surprise them all with pancakes but accidentally dropping the pan on Renjun’s stomach, waking the inner demon within.

Mark just groans, rolling over and hiding his face in Donghyuck’s neck, and Donghyuck tries and fails to hide the growing smile on his face.

* * *

Although they never mention it, Donghyuck thinks most people figure out that they have something going on as winter fades to spring.

The guy on the basketball team who had quite obviously been crushing on Mark glares at him when he waits for Mark after practice and he receives a knowing smile from Renjun when Mark sits next to him during lunch and Donghyuck reaches over to brush an eyelash away from his cheek.

It’s a skinny love, where neither he nor Mark wants to risk ruining the close friendship they have, but where love is starting to seep out of their pores and they both know that they’re heading towards something more.

Donghyuck walks around like he’s in a constant daze, happy to the point that he struggles to sleep at night, and in the middle of him and Mark dancing around each other there is the talk of graduation, of applying to university, of finally getting to move out of their tiny town.

All of his friends with the one exception of Renjun end up applying to the same university, but Renjun’s campus is only a fifteen-minute walk away so Donghyuck has no worries about them keeping contact.

He and Mark are walking home from school one day, holding hands, when Mark asks him what his mother thinks about him moving, if she’s against it.

Donghyuck swings their hands, shakes his head.

“She was actually the one who told me to apply. I guess I’ll still probably be home a lot, though. Over weekends and whatnot.”

“That’s a relief,” says Mark. “I’m looking forward to leaving this town and finally getting my own place. That’s…ugh. That’s actually something I wanted to talk to you about. I was wondering if you wanted to maybe move in somewhere together?”

Donghyuck stops walking.

“You’re asking me if I want to get an apartment with you?”

Mark splutters.

“Yeah—Well. You know. Since the rent is probably going to be high.”

“You’ll kill me in cold blood on day three.” Donghyuck says.

“I mean, probably? We’ll kill each other? But I also know you better than anyone else and you know all my habits too, so we can just avoid each other if we feel like we’re going to blow up. And have separate rooms. Keep a cleaning schedule, maybe.”

Donghyuck’s heart races inside his chest.

“Well, when you make it sound so romantic,” he responds, but tightens his grip on Mark’s hand, thumb stroking over his knuckles gently.

And then there are only a few weeks left until graduation, all of them invited to a party hosted by none other than Yerim –and for the first time in months, Donghyuck doesn’t spend his Friday night at the hospital.

His mother promises him that it’s fine, seems even more excited by him going to a party than he is, but guilt rolls in his stomach nonetheless, only forgotten when he goes to pick Mark up, the party being closer to his house than it is to Donghyuck’s.

Mark looks good, better even than he usually does, hair brushed out of his face to reveal the perfectly arched eyebrows that Donghyuck secretly loves.

They decide to walk to the party instead of riding their bikes, and when they finally make it there Jeno waves them over with a smile on his face.

“Fancy seeing you here,” Donghyuck says, eyeing his beer. “Where are the others?”

“I know Jaemin is in the bathroom, and last I saw Renjun he was flirting with some exchange student. I’m not really sure where he is now.”

Mark laughs, Jaemin coming to join them only a few minutes later, and they chat some more before Donghyuck pulls Mark out of the house, to the small park right next to Yerim’s house where it’s a little bit quieter.

They sit on one of the park benches where they still have a view of the house, of Jaemin trying to get Jeno to dance, but where it’s a bit more secluded.

Donghyuck moves closer, soaking up Mark’s warmth, and feels his phone vibrate in his jeans, alerting him of an incoming call.

He ignores it, thinking that whoever it is calling him can wait. He doesn’t want to break the moment, not when his hands are trembling and there’s a jittery, nervous excitement that comes from only being around Mark.

“When you told me that you were too tired to come last time there was a party, was that a lie?” Mark asks, cutting through the comfortable silence.

“Yes,” Donghyuck says. “Even if I was tired I would have still gone. I always want to spend time with you. That’s kind of what happens when you like someone.”

“I like you, too.” Mark responds, and although Donghyuck rolls his eyes and knows that Mark wouldn’t have held his hand or blushed around him if he didn’t, the confession still makes his heart skip a beat.

It doesn’t quite make his heart skip as many beats as when Mark leans in and kisses him though, Mark’s lips soft against his. Donghyuck melts into the kiss, feels so happy that it’s almost painful.

He wonders if this is what it feels like to have his entire life coming together.

He’s graduating in less than a month, he’s moving out of town, he’s moving _in_ with Mark, will get to introduce Mark as his boyfriend. Will become acquainted with the way Mark sounds when he’s sick, happy, when he’s seconds away from coming.

It’s makes his head spin, and it’s only later, after the party is over and they’re making their way back to Mark’s place, that he remembers that someone had tried to call him. He digs up his phone out of his pocket lazily, surprised to find more than a dozen phone calls from the hospital, one from his mother.

He stops walking, frowns.

“What’s wrong?” Mark asks, but Donghyuck doesn’t answer.

A nurse picks up on the first ring, and Donghyuck can tell that something is off before she even as much as speaks.

“Donghyuck,” She says, something strange about her voice. “Your mother is dead.”

* * *

It doesn’t rain when they hold the funeral.

It’s sunny, the birds chirping, and for some reason that makes everything worse, almost like nature is happy that the only family Donghyuck had ever had is dead.

Donghyuck stands away from the rest of the crowd, hair combed and clothes ironed for the first time in over a month, and stares at nothing. It’s only when Renjun touches his arm that he realizes that the ceremony is over, that everything is done.

When he looks up he is met by Renjun’s troubled frown.

“What do you want to do now?” He asks. “Do you want to go somewhere to eat…? For a walk?”

“I want to leave,” Donghyuck answers, and means it. He wants to leave the graveyard, wants to leave the entire town, but that won’t be possible until he’s sold his house, until he has packed all of his stuff and has nothing tying him down. “I need to pack.”

Renjun’s frown deepens but Donghyuck doesn’t care, does his best to keep his gaze from wandering over to Mark.

He succeeds until he actually makes to leave and the overwhelming urge he has to look at Mark becomes unbearable.

He glances his way, hoping that Mark won’t notice, but makes eye contact with Mark straight away. Mark is already looking at him, and although Donghyuck thinks he should be numb at this point, his heart lurches in his chest like it’s trying to escape his rib cage.

There are dark circles under Mark’s eyes and he looks sadder than Donghyuck has ever seen him, sadder even than the night Donghyuck had broken down on the sidewalk a little over a month ago, and Donghyuck wants nothing more than to go over to him, to brush the hair out of his face and collapse into him the way his entire body is screaming at him to.

Instead he only clenches his jaw, looks away, and pretends not to notice the way Mark winces with his entire body.

They haven’t spoken in almost two weeks, not since Mark had come over and Donghyuck had yelled at him, pushed him out of his house and told him to leave him the fuck alone. Mark hadn’t returned the next day, replaced by Jaemin and Jeno, and although Donghyuck had told himself that it was what he wanted, it had still made his stomach turn, made him nauseas.

It was only later that he realized that Mark must have sent them, Donghyuck able to recognize Mark’s bland food anywhere, his handwriting.

Renjun follows him back to his house, the two of them not exchanging a single word on the way back home, and Donghyuck unlocks the door silently. He knows that Renjun expects the house to be a mess, for there to be unwashed dishes in the sink, but Donghyuck had made sure that everything was clean. There was a broker coming to look at the house in a day or two, and Donghyuck just wanted it sold, wanted to never have to look at it again.

“I know you miss him.” Renjun says after a while, and Donghyuck doesn’t have to ask who he’s talking about.

When he doesn’t respond Renjun’s loses his composure, looking frustrated.

“I don’t understand you. We’re all trying our best to be there for you but you, me and probably every person in this town knows that there is only one person that would actually do a decent job at it. I don’t get why you’re avoiding him. It’s not like doing that will bring your mother back to life.”

Donghyuck recoils and Renjun stops, an apology on the tip of his tongue, but the damage is already done.

Donghyuck has always prided himself on being someone who could put all of his thoughts into words, who has thoughts that were mostly based off of logic, but he doesn’t know how to explain to Renjun that he doesn’t know how to look at Mark without feeling guilt bubble and burn throughout his entire body, scorching him from the inside out.

He’d chosen to ignore the last call his mother had ever made in order to kiss Mark, and even now, after knowing that he will have to live with that knowledge for the rest of his life, he’s not even sure if he regrets it. Ignoring the call had made him experience an hour where he’d thought that he could have everything he’d ever wanted before harsh reality had caught up to him, before he’d realized that _of course_ he couldn’t be happy without there being repercussions.

He doesn’t know how to explain to Renjun that he wants Mark around so much that it makes him feel like he’s imploding, but that he can’t even speak a word to him without feeling like he’s spitting on his mother’s grave, like he’s valuing Mark over his mother in death just as much as he apparently did when she was alive.

How can he be happy with Mark after that? How does he deserve to be?

“Donghyuck…”

“Just leave me alone, Renjun.”

Renjun looks sad, but eventually nods, picking up his bag.

He returns the next day with Jeno in a tow and neither of them as much as mentions Mark. Donghyuck knows that he should be grateful but all he feels is empty, the itch to ask about Mark steadily growing stronger.

On the fifth day after the funeral, when Jaemin is in the bathroom, Donghyuck finally caves.

Renjun turns to him, in the middle of packing plates into a cardboard box.

“He’s…He’s sad. He understands that you’re hurt and that you’re going through something but he doesn’t understand why you don’t want him around. Why you can still spend time with us. He’s overanalyzing everything he’s ever done."

Donghyuck stills, a weight settling over him, and Renjun gazes at him and looks like he is debating something with himself.

“There’s…going to be a party a few days from now. To celebrate all of us actually finally having graduated. I heard from one of Mark’s teammates that they are forcing him to go. I know that you have a lot on your mind but I think you should come if you’re feel like it. I think there are going to be a lot of people there from previous graduating classes as well.”

Donghyuck nods, but doubts that he’s actually going to go.

It isn’t until it’s eight o’clock in the evening, his own house empty and dark, that he tells himself that it won’t hurt to go to the party and see Mark for only a little while. No matter how much he tries to will away the ache in his chest, he knows that it won’t dissipate until he sees Mark.

Jeno and Jaemin are both surprised that he’s there, hovering around him with watchful eyes, and hoping to escape them, Donghyuck heads to the kitchen and downs the first thing he sees. The liquor burns on the way down, but it makes his emotions less sharp, makes him less conscious of the looks people send his way, and he grabs another glass as soon as it’s empty and downs that one as well.

A girl who he has seen around but never talked to before comes over, in the middle of saying something when Donghyuck finally spots Mark.

He’s wearing his green hoodie, hair unstyled and glasses perched on the bridge of his nose, and some older guy Donghyuck thinks might have been part of the basketball team a few years ago has his arm slung protectively across his shoulder.

Donghyuck freezes, struggles to breathe, and allows himself to at least consider walking over and nudging the other guy out of the way. He’s almost convinced himself that it wouldn’t be a terrible idea when the girl he’d been talking to follows his gaze, smiles.

“No matter what, I’m sure your mom must be relieved that you have such a good boyfriend. Mark has always been so kind.”

Donghyuck shrivels, feels dizzy.

“He’s not my boyfriend.”

He pushes past her, whatever thought he’d had about going to speak to Mark long gone, mind spinning and emotions a wreck. The world is already a little bit hazy from the many drinks he’s had but needing to do something about his chest feeling like it’s being split open, he downs more shots, world spinning around him.

It’s when he’s stumbling out of the kitchen that he sees Yoojin.

Mark’s stepbrother is sitting on the couch, and all of a sudden Donghyuck knows exactly what to do to root out his feelings, to make people stop from coming up to him and telling him that his mom would be happy that he had someone like Mark around when they don’t know half of it.

Not when they don’t know that she would probably be happier if Mark had never entered his life, if she’d given birth to a better son.

Yoojin looks startled when he sits down next to him, relaxing only when he sees the expression on his face, the drink in his hands.

“Not going to try to pun—”

Donghyuck kisses him, not interested in hearing what he has to say. There’s nothing gentle about the kiss, nothing enjoyable about it, but Donghyuck doesn’t pull away and soon enough Yoojin’s hands are on his hips, on his thighs.

Donghyuck isn’t sure how they manage to make it upstairs, but before he knows it they’re in an empty bedroom and he has his shirt torn over his head.

Yoojin kisses down his neck, tugging him closer, and all of a sudden Donghyuck feels like throwing up, everything wrong. Yoojin’s hands are too rough, his smell too wrong, and Donghyuck has the abrupt realization that there will be no going back from having sex with Yoojin, no way his relationship with Mark could ever recover.

It sends his pulse spiking, the panic clawing its way up his chest sobering him up.

“No—wait,” Donghyuck says, “I don’t—”

And then there’s the sound of a door opening.

“Donghyuck, are you the—?”

Donghyuck sees the exact moment Mark registers what is happening, who he’s with. The nervous smile falls off his face, his skin losing color faster than Donghyuck thought that it ever could.

He must have heard that Donghyuck was at the party and gone to look for him, never expecting to find him almost having sex with his stepbrother.

Mark looks like he’s going to throw up, looks at him like he doesn’t even recognize him anymore.

“Yoojin?” He chokes out, heartbroken. “I get that you want to make a point, but Yoojin?”

And then Mark is storming out of the room and Donghyuck’s can’t breathe, can’t see, can’t hear, nothing but liquid horror running through his veins.

He isn’t aware of Yoojin leaving, but suddenly Jaemin and Jeno are by his side and he’s made aware of the fact that he’s crying, that someone has put the shirt back over his head.

“I messed up,” he sobs, inconsolable. “I want Mark. I—Mark. I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry.” And he doesn’t even know who he’s apologizing too, if it’s to his mother or to Mark or to himself, but his entire body is burning, all of the emotions that he’s tried his best to repress during the last month rushing out.

And then Mark is there, although Donghyuck’s thinks he shouldn’t be, although Donghyuck thinks that he doesn’t deserve him to be, but it doesn’t stop him from clinging to Mark like it’s the last time, clutching his shirt until his fingers hurt, like Mark will disappear if he doesn’t.

Mark doesn’t say a word, simply takes him back home, hugging him to his chest and stroking his back, allowing Donghyuck to breathe him in.

“I’m so sorry,” he says, and hopes that Mark knows that he means it for everything.

Mark swallows, looks at him with an expression that he can’t read.

“It’s alright,” he says after a beat, but his voice is small and rough, and Donghyuck knows that it isn’t. “Sleep.”

And so he sleeps, spends his night curled around Mark, the mixture of alcohol and Mark and being tired from crying making him sleep deeper than he has for a long time.

When he wakes up in the morning, Mark is sitting on the armchair by the bed, the dark circles under his eyes letting him know that he hasn’t slept at all.

And for the first time ever Donghyuck doesn’t know how to breach the distance between them. He just knows that he needs to, that he wants to go back to how it had been, wants to hold his hand.

“Mark,” he begins but doesn’t know what to say.

“We don’t have to talk about it,” Mark says. “It’s clear that things have changed. I get it.”

It sounds like the end.


	2. and laughing till our ribs get tough, but that will never be enough

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For a moment it leaves him numb, but then comes the overwhelming sense of relief, leaving his legs weak for no other reason than pure happiness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as a famous poet once said:
> 
> started making it, had a breakdown, bon appétit!
> 
> .

As much as Donghyuck wishes that moving towns could solve all of his problems, the sad truth is that it doesn’t.

For the first week he thinks it might, preoccupied with getting an apartment and trying his best to make an otherwise empty apartment into a home. He heads by Ikea, runs errands, and tries to get at least a little bit acquainted with his new neighborhood. With the rest of his friends still back in his hometown and with no other contact with them besides texts, he can almost fool himself into thinking that he can just settle into his new life and forget all about his old one.

It works until he walks by the local hospital and notices the strange resemblance his new bed has to the one he used to sleep on next to his mother and he’s back to square one, the insistent nagging at the back of his thoughts returning.

Then there’s enrollment and freshers’ week and that serves to take his mind off of things for at least a little while longer.

He meets new people, gets new friends, and feels a sense of relief that for the first time in his life, he knows that they won’t be able to go home and have their parents tell them three generations worth of history on his family. Feels relief that the people in his class are more interested in where he lives now than where he used to, and for the most part Donghyuck has fun.

He dances girl group choreographies, plays drinking games and sings karaoke, going to bed way too late and waking up way too early. He becomes part of newly formed group chats and is busy enough during the day that he can convince himself that he feels fine. That he _is_ fine.

It’s only when he’s alone, laying his bed at night or waking up still on the brink of sleep, in the middle of reaching for his phone to call Mark that his newly formed life stutters. That whatever small semblance of okay that he’s tried to build up over the months since his mother had died and he and Mark went from talking every day to not really talking at all comes crashing down around him.

He and Mark still text each other occasionally, when the itch underneath Donghyuck’s skin grows instant enough or when Mark asks him how he’s doing or if he’d seen the new movie everyone was hyping.

“We’re still friends,” he tells Jeno after Jeno had invited himself over for dinner, focusing on the piece of radish on his plate rather than meeting Jeno’s inquisitive eyes. “We’re just…not as close, I guess.”

Things had been strange between them ever since the party that had ended with Donghyuck making out with Mark’s stepbrother, neither of them really knowing how to treat each other. The guilt he felt looking at Mark was still present although faint, but it had been replaced by an uncertainty that had never been there before, having no idea how to even approach Mark, if Mark even wanted him to.

“So it was mutual?” Jeno asks, a worried frown on his face that Donghyuck tries his best to ignore.

It hadn’t so much been mutual as much as it had been unspoken, Donghyuck thinks, waiting for Mark to reach out after the party but it never happening.

Donghyuck knows that the distance between them is for the best, but it still leaves him feeling like someone has lodged a knife between his ribs.

“Yeah,” he says, stabbing the piece of radish with his chopstick and making Jeno drop the subject. It’s not the first time his friends have asked about their relationship, wondering if they still meet up just the two of them, but while he and Mark are still in the same group chat, still met up with their old friends for birthdays and celebrations, Donghyuck has gotten used to asking Jaemin or Renjun for updates about smaller things in Mark life rather than asking him himself.

Gone are the days when he’d received hourly texts or known everything about his days.

That’s why it shouldn’t come as a surprise when he walks into the restaurant where most of his friends are waiting and doesn’t see Mark in the lineup, but it still catches him off guard, having expected him to be there.

His stomach sinks to the ground, the humming sort of energy that he’d been feeling the entire week leading up to the dinner withering, shoulders slumping.

He is standing by the entrance when Jaemin notices him, waving him over, and Donghyuck forces a smile onto his face.

“You’re late,” Jaemin says.

There’s a put-upon pout on his face that Donghyuck has been the recipient of one too many times to be even the slightest bit affected.

“Fashionably late,” Donghyuck says and slides out a chair, settling down next to Renjun who just rolls his eyes.

“Well, at least you’re not the last to arrive.” Renjun mutters. “Mark just texted and said he was stuck in traffic.”

And despite himself, something in Donghyuck relaxes.

It’s some ten minutes later that Mark finally stumbles in, wearing a cap and looking a little bit frazzled, flushed. Donghyuck wonders if he’d run to the restaurant, watching as he removes his cap and runs a hand through his hair, attempting to detangle it. It’s grown longer, Donghyuck notes, throat suddenly dry.

Mark sends him a smile when he sits down, the flush still present on his cheeks, and Jeno looks at him with interest.

“Did something happen?” Jeno asks. “I thought you said you were going to be on time for once.”

Mark looks apologetic.

“Sorry. I ran into Lucas as I was leaving and he asked me a bunch of questions about our homework. I tried to help him out as fast as I could.”

“Lucas?” Jaemin grins. “The guy who asked you out?”

“Who?” The words escape Donghyuck’s lips before he can stop them.

Mark glances his way before he turns to glare at Jaemin.

“A guy who has a major crush on Mark,” Jaemin sings and this time Mark kicks him under the table.

“He’s just friendly,” Mark says, a cold bite to his tone. “Stop it.”

Donghyuck taps his fingers against the table.

“I’m going to go buy a beer,” he says. “Be right back.”

For the first time ever, he finds himself relieved that it takes a while for the bartender to take his order, telling himself that it shouldn’t come as a surprise that someone is interested in Mark, that Mark is probably dating or at least talking to other people. It’s been one and a half year since they dated, if it could even be called that, kissing once and then not talking for a month. It’s perfectly normal for Mark to date, but the thought still makes Donghyuck feel queasy, makes his insides curl.

He returns to the table a few minutes later and spends the rest of the evening ignoring the sinking feeling inside of him. It’s only when Jaemin, Jeno and Renjun rush off to the closest subway station to catch the last train, leaving him and Mark alone for the first time in a few months, that the feeling tentatively disappears.

Mark is the only one out of his friends who lives on his side of town, and Donghyuck kicks at pebbles as they start the walk back to their separate apartments, trying to get the usually short walk to feel longer. He isn’t sure if Mark just doesn’t want to go home yet or if he’s just thirsty, but when he suggests heading by the convenience store to buy some drinks Donghyuck agrees easily, waiting for Mark on a bench outside.

When Mark comes back out he hands him a bottle of coke before he suddenly looks awkward, ears reddening.

“Sorry.” He says. “I should have asked what you wanted to drink. I just assumed—”

“It’s fine. Thanks.”

Mark looks away, unscrews the cap of his carbonated water.

“I…How are you nowadays? I heard from Jaemin that you are spending a lot of time making demos.”

Donghyuck catalogues the fact that Mark also asks about him the same way he asks about Mark.

“Good.” He says, and while it’s not the entire truth it’s at least part of it. “Better.”

“That’s good.”

“You?”

“Yeah. I’m okay.”

“Good.”

He looks at Mark, and while Donghyuck has about a million different things he wants to say, to ask, the words never make it past his lips.

It’s strange, standing next to Mark and pretending like he doesn’t know everything about him, had gone several years never imagining a future where he didn’t get to see him every day, where they weren’t as close as they had always been.

The familiar weight settles back onto his chest, and while he wants nothing more than to talk to Mark about everything in his life, it had taken a lot for them to even be able to stand like this.

He doesn’t want to risk upsetting their relationship further by saying something he’ll probably regret.

“Have you bought a birthday gift for Renjun yet?” He asks instead, and Mark blinks before he shakes his head. 

“No. I haven’t even thought about it.”

“Want to buy something together?”

Donghyuck searches Mark’s face for any sort of reluctance, but the only thing he sees is shock that Mark tries his best to conceal.

“I—Sure? Step by my lecture tomorrow and we can go buy something after?”

Donghyuck’s heart races.

“Sounds good.”

He waits for Mark outside of the lecture hall the next day, texting Mark that he’s standing next to the wall of flyers. He doesn’t have to wait for longer than a few minutes before the door opens and Mark steps out with a smile on his face that makes Donghyuck’s stomach swoop.

“Figures that you’ve only stopped being the last one out when we no longer have the same classes,” Donghyuck says.

Mark rolls his eyes, but the corner of his lips twitches upwards.

“I wasn’t that bad,” he says.

“Yes, you were.” Donghyuck responds. “I literally had to drag you out of class sometimes. We were always late to lunch.”

Mark laughs and Donghyuck finds himself smiling back at him, but it only last for a few seconds before the laugh fades, Mark looking back at him with an odd expression of his face before he looks away.

A second later a tall guy with a handsome face stumbles out of the classroom, looking relieved when he spots Mark.

“Hey, there you are! I was looking for you. Want to grab some coffee?”

Mark blinks, caught off guard.

“Sorry, man. I already have plans.”

He nods towards Donghyuck, and for the first time the other boy notices that he isn’t standing alone, giving Donghyuck a friendly and curious look before shrugging.

“Sure, no problem. See you tomorrow!”

Donghyuck feels something bitter bubble inside of him, but it isn’t until the guy has left that he turns to Mark, hoping to sound nonchalant.

“Who was that?” He asks, although he has his suspicions.

Mark glances his way.

“That was Lucas. He’s an exchange student from Hong Kong. Knows Renjun.”

Donghyuck nods, but refrains from asking any more questions, trying to put Lucas out of his mind as they end up in Myeongdong, swerving tourists and vendors as best as they can. He is more successful than Mark, who nearly walks into a waffle stand, and Donghyuck stops himself from reaching out to grab his hand just in time, letting it fall back against his side awkwardly.

They enter a few shops before they settle on buying Renjun a wallet and Donghyuck grabs the bag before Mark can even reach for it, knowing that he will have lost it before the week is over if he leaves it in Mark’s care.

They stand awkwardly outside of the shop as they exit, and it reminds Donghyuck of the day before. Just like then, Donghyuck doesn’t really want to leave.

He knows that he should, that being around Mark will only feel like pouring salt into an open wound in the end, but he feels more like himself standing next to Mark than he has for a long time.

They haven’t hung out alone together like this since before his mother died.

“Do you want to get dinner?” Donghyuck asks after a few seconds have passed.

Mark looks conflicted before he locks his jaw and shakes his head.

“I…I can’t today. Sorry. Maybe some other time.”

“Oh. Yeah,” Donghyuck answers, ignoring the sudden lump in his throat. “Sure.”

But Mark still lingers before he leaves, seeming tenser than he had when they’d first met.

When Donghyuck makes it back to his apartment he places the bag with Renjun’s wallet in his wardrobe before he throws himself onto his bed and stares up at the ceiling, appetite gone. Thoughts of his mother pop into his head, and he comes to the realization that for the first time in he doesn’t know how long, he hadn’t thought about her when he had met Mark.

He isn’t sure what to make of it, if it’s a sign he’s moving in the right direction.

It makes him equally as relieved as it makes him feel guilty.

He doesn’t meet Mark again until it’s Renjun’s birthday, Renjun deciding to throw a proper party for once. There are more people invited than Donghyuck had expected, with Renjun inviting people both from his new classes and from the group of Chinese exchange students that he’d begun to hang out with.

Donghyuck is talking to Chenle when he spots Lucas from the other side of the apartment.

He waves at him with a large smile on his face before his attention is side-tracked by someone on the other side of the door and leaves, and it isn’t until Donghyuck moves to grab another beer that he realizes that the person who had distracted Lucas was Mark. He’s wearing one of his many flannel shirts, a pair of blue jeans, and has a cider in his hands as he laughs at something Lucas says.

Donghyuck looks away before Mark can see him, heading to the upper floor.

He spends some time chatting with people he’s run into once or twice, dances a little bit, and then heads to the bathroom simply to get a little bit of peace and quiet, splashing cold water onto his neck. When he opens the bathroom door Mark is waiting outside, fiddling with his phone, and Donghyuck’s mouth dries when Mark looks up and startles.

“I was wondering where you were,” Mark says, grinning. His cheeks are flushed, and he looks more relaxed in his presence than he has in a long time, eyes wide and openly staring back at him.

He’s tipsy, Donghyuck realizes, and has to stop himself from snorting, lips twitching upwards.

“You know me. I’ve always loved hanging out in bathrooms.”

Mark blinks, even more confused drunk than he is sober.

“What? Since when?”

Donghyuck shakes his head. A sober Mark only knowns when he is sarcastic roughly half of the time, it isn’t strange that drunk-Mark finds it just as difficult to figure out when he’s joking.

“Never mind. Do you need to go to the bathroom?”

“Not really,” Mark says, looking sheepish. “I just wanted to get away so that Lucas and Ten couldn’t convince me to play truth or dare.”

The uncomfortable twinge returns, and coupled with the alcohol running through his veins, it doesn’t make for a good combination.

“I could use some peace and quiet.” He says and hopes that Mark is sober enough to pick up on his offer.

Thankfully he does.

“Renjun has a really nice rooftop,” Mark suggests, and the stars in his eyes make Donghyuck think that he could follow Mark anywhere.

It’s a little bit quieter on the roof, it only being the home to a few pots of various sizes that the other tenants must use to grow flowers or herbs in the summer. Donghyuck shivers a little at the cold breeze, but it’s warm for being March, almost April, and the few drinks he’s had help keep him warm.

Donghyuck stares out over the city, over the twinkling lights of nighttime Seoul, and then at Mark who is still looking relaxed, more carefree than Donghyuck has seen him for a long time.

“This is definitely better than playing truth or dare,” Mark says, and Donghyuck agrees.

He shuffles a little bit closer to Mark as another breeze blows over them.

Mark stumbles a little, drunker than Donghyuck had imagined, and Donghyuck puts a hand on his shoulder to stabilize him, feeling his hand burn. It’s the first time in over a year that he is touching Mark and he feels warm under his touch, the flannel of his shirt soft.

“Donghyuck,” Mark begins, swallowing, and for a second, Donghyuck thinks he will take a step back, look away, but then he doesn’t.

And Donghyuck blames it on the alcohol, on Mark, who is even more intoxicating than the couple of drinks he’s had, on his blood singing, but suddenly there is nothing that he wants to do more than kiss him.

He doesn’t do more than lean in, beginning to close his eyes, before Mark stops him, stepping back.

“Don’t,” he says, voice choked.

Donghyuck struggles to breathe.

“Why?”

Mark looks at him for a few long seconds and Donghyuck doesn’t know why he looks a mess when Donghyuck is the one with a broken heart.

“Because I’m still trying to get over you,” he says, face shuttering as he draws in on himself.

And then Donghyuck is left alone.

* * *

Donghyuck doesn’t know how much time he spends on the rooftop, but when the noise from the downstairs party grows quieter and the chill harsher than he can bear, he leaves. He heads home in a daze, having long since sobered up, and tosses and turns until he gives up on sleeping all together.

When the clock on his wall lets him know that it’s already noon, he considers sending Renjun a text only to see that Renjun has already messaged him, telling him to come over.

Donghyuck tells himself that he shouldn’t be surprised that Renjun already knows that something had happened, but he clearly doesn’t seem to know all of the details because he waits until Donghyuck has told him everything before he speaks, words as plain as they always are.

“Look, Donghyuck,” he begins, voice gentle but firm. “I know that you have a million different things to work through and that you and Mark have a lot of history, but you need to either leave him alone or stop being an idiot. It’s clear as day that you’re still in love him, that he still loves you.”

And then he continues in a much gentler voice, “You couldn’t have known that your mother was going to die that night. She could have just as easily been calling to talk about the weather. You don’t have any reason to feel guilty. You deserve to be happy.”

And in the part of Donghyuck’s brain than runs on logic, he knows that Renjun is right, but that still doesn’t make the weight on his shoulders let up. The weight is there, ever-present, but it doesn’t quite manage to snuff out the hope that had been ignited when Mark had said that he still had feelings for him. It doesn’t manage to stop him from wanting to move on with his life, even more now that he knows that he might still have a chance to salvage things with Mark.

It does, however, stop him from contacting Mark, shackling his ankles, his wrists.

He books a ticket back home the next day.

When he arrives in his hometown it’s afternoon and sunny, the tiny town center looking prettier than he remembers it being in his memory. He goes to check in at one of the two bed-and-breakfasts, recognizing the man in the counter as the uncle of one of the girls he used to go to school with. The man pauses for a few seconds when Donghyuck tells him his name before handing him his keys and telling him that breakfast is served from seven to nine.

Donghyuck only stops by his room to drop his bag, and then heads out again.

Without his bike it’s a thirty-minute walk to the graveyard, but Donghyuck doesn’t mind, reacquainting himself with the neighborhood. Most things have stayed the way they’ve always been, but it’s popped up one new house and he spots no less than two families who have decided to repaint their porch.

It’s only when he makes it to the graveyard that he notices how damp the grass is, the small puddles of water letting him know that it must have rained the day before. He thinks that it’s a good thing, because the small plant next to his mother’s grave looks healthy, beginning to sprout new leaves.

He kneels by it.

“Hello, mom.”

He places a hand on the soil, feels the damp grass, the dirt under his fingertips.

He considers saying something more, but figures that if she is actually there, if there is such a thing as heaven, surely, she must be able to figure out what he wants to convey. That he’s there to apologize, that he’s there to try to move past the night of the party, to try to hesitantly get rid of guilt dragging him down. That he wishes that he could have been a better son, that she could have lived a better life, that he loves her. That he hopes she can still love him in the future.

He makes a move to stand up but slips on the wet grass, one of his feet crashing into the grave stone. It sends sparks of pain flaring up his leg, his foot, the feeling a hundred times worse than stubbing your toe, and though he had wanted to avoid it, he ends up back at the hospital.

He is greeted by nurses buzzing around him, all shocked to see him, and is told that his toe isn’t broken but strained. He is advised against putting too much weight on it for a few days, and as soon as that is out of the way he is bombarded by questions about how and what he is doing. Donghyuck answers the questions as well as he can, only stopping when one of the nurses mentions Mark.

“Are you still in contact? How is he doing?”

Donghyuck bites his lips, tries to keep his answers as vague as possible.

“He’s…good. We’re still in contact.”

The nurse looks relieved, patting his shoulder slightly.

“That’s good. Everything happened so quickly that night your mother passed away, but she was so relieved that you were with him when it happened, that you weren’t at the hospital. She used to tell us that her worst fear was you being here when she died, that you already got to spend your entire childhood at the hospital.”

Donghyuck freezes.

“What do you mean? She called me. I had a missed call.”

The nurse shakes her head.

“No, that was nurse Kim. It’s protocol to contact family members as soon as someone passes, but we weren’t sure if we had the right number since no one picked up. She accidentally pressed your number when we were trying to compare the numbers. It was after your mother had already passed.”

The world swims in front of his eyes.

“…She didn’t call me? She didn’t want me there?”

“No,” The nurse says, a little bit confused by his continued questions. “She said she knew you were having fun at a party. That she would you much rather be with Mark living life like a regular teenager. Said she wanted to give you at least that.”

“So, you’re saying she didn’t call me? She wanted me to be with Mark?”

The nurse is even more confused but nods.

Donghyuck feels disconnected from his body.

He remains sitting on the hospital bed even after the nurse has left, sure that he will faint or at least go collapsing towards the floor if he stands up, legs trembling.

All the time he had spent being angry, being guilty, avoiding Mark even when he wanted nothing more than to be around him, the nights he had spent awake, the ache in his chest when he saw him laugh at a joke, all the times he had had to pinch himself to stop himself from walking over to Mark, from brushing hair out of his face, missing him to the point that he could feel it with his entire body. All the times he had stared at his phone, considered calling him, considered forgetting all about his mother, the talk he’d had with Renjun, returning to his old town, deciding that he could live with hating himself if he at least get a chance to kiss Mark and hold his hands, the past two years of anguish.

It had all been for nothing.

For a moment it leaves him numb, but then comes the overwhelming sense of relief, leaving his legs weak for no other reason than pure happiness.

He had arrived at the grave to try to make peace with himself, to reconcile with the idea that if he wanted to be with Mark, he would also betray a part of his mother, but if she had wanted to be with him, then there was nothing stopping him, nothing keeping him from going to Mark, to spending the rest of their life together.

Even though he had planned to spend the night in his old hometown, he feels the need to rush back to Mark like it’s a physical ache, only the thought of staying and waiting sending his entire body itching, filled with restless energy. He rushes back to his bed-and-breakfast and then leaves for the town center, managing to jump on the last bus only a minute before it departs, breath heavy and face flushed.

His toe throbs in his shoes but he barely notices it, filled with a hope for the future that he hadn’t felt since before his mother had died, back when he had thought that everything was coming together, back when he’d thought that he was going to be moving away from home, moving in with Mark.

He makes it back to the city in the evening but doesn’t even stop by his own apartment before he heads to Mark’s, knocking on the door with his heart racing in his chest.

Mark opens the door in a blue t-shirt, surprised to see him, and Donghyuck allows himself to truly soak up Mark’s presence for the first time in almost two years, eyes searching and eager, refusing and unable to look away.

“Hey,” he says and Mark blinks, staring back at him with wide, wide eyes.

It’s only then that he realizes that it’s the first time they’ve talked since the party.

“Hey,” Mark answers.

“I have so many things I—”

“—ark, do you know where—Oh, hey!”

Lucas pops up behind Mark, smiling.

The words on the tip of Donghyuck’s tongue die.

Mark looks back at him, seeming to sense that Donghyuck has something he needs to say, something he wants to say in private. He turns to look at Lucas, scratching the back of his neck.

“Lucas, can you give us a second?”

Lucas nods, smiles and kisses Mark’s cheek.

Donghyuck stares.

“Sure.”

He disappears back into the apartment, and Mark closes the door behind them so that they’re standing outside of the small room.

“Sorry,” Mark says, looking a bit uncomfortable. “We…we just started dating today.”

“Oh.”

“What did you want to say, by the way?”

Donghyuck barely swallows down the lump in his throat, hiding his shaking fingers from Mark by sticking them in the pockets of his jacket.

“I wanted to apologize for the other night.”

Mark is quiet for a long moment.

“It’s okay, I know that you were drunk. I—You can forget what I said as well. You don’t have to feel uncomfortable.”

Donghyuck chest feels tighter than he thinks it’s ever felt before.

“I…No worries.”

And the hope that had been ignited in the small hospital room is snuffed out.

* * *

It’s June when Jeno asks Donghyuck what his plans for the summer are. They have their finals in a week, and after that almost two months of summer vacation.

Donghyuck shrugs.

“I’ll probably stay here.” Donghyuck says and takes a sip of his water. “How about you?”

“Jaemin and I decided to go home.” He answers and then he looks away, blushes. “Renjun, too.”

Donghyuck blinks, filing Jeno’s reaction away for later, but finds himself distracted by the irony of it all.

Now that he doesn’t live in his hometown anymore, all of his friends are going to be home over the summer, the way they hadn’t been when they’d been younger. Back then it had only been him and Mark.

He considers asking about Mark, but then decides against it.

He doesn’t want to think about what will happen if he has to hear Jeno say that he is going to be travelling to Hong Kong to visit Lucas’ parents, how he will react. He has carefully avoided any mention of the pair since stopping by Mark’s apartment, hasn’t seen Mark for two months, and knows that it’s in his best interest to keep it that way.

He writes his last exam a week later and goes out to celebrate with his friends in the same department, goes home with an objectively cute boy who shows obvious interest in him just because he can, ignoring the bitter aftertaste it leaves. Other than that, the beginning of his summer days is spent mostly in the recording studio, pestering his closest upperclassman Taeil to come and hang out, most days passing without being particularly noticeable.

He’s going for a walk one evening when he bumps into Mark.

He has his hood drawn over his head, and if Donghyuck hadn’t been able to recognize the unruly hair sticking out from under his hood anywhere, he wouldn’t have known it was Mark in the first place.

“Oh, hey.” Mark says in surprise when they make eye contact.

He’s clutching a basketball, bangs a little bit damp from perspiration, but if it’s from having played basketball or from the summer heat, Donghyuck isn’t sure.

“Hey,” Donghyuck responds, blood rushing in his ears. “I didn’t know you were still in town.”

Mark shrugs.

“Well, it was that or spend the summer with a full house back home. I figured this was the better option.”

Donghyuck nods, not really surprised. Even when they were younger Mark had always done everything in his power to avoid spending time in his own house, it was no wonder that he didn’t head back home when he actually had his own place to stay in.

“I see.”

Donghyuck hesitates for a second before he turns to leave, only stopped by Mark’s voice.

“Hey, do you want to hang out sometime?” Mark asks, and almost as if he feels like he needs to clarify, he adds, “Since it’s summer and everything.”

Donghyuck blinks, and for a second, he is frozen, still sure that it would be a bad idea if it meant having to witness Lucas and Mark firsthand.

In the end he nods, unable to stop himself.

He never is with Mark.

“Sure. Tomorrow?”

Mark grins.

“Sounds good.”

They end up watching a movie that neither of them has ever heard of before, and Donghyuck thinks it should have been a red flag that it was the only movie with tickets still available.

“Well, I have a new favorite movie.” Donghyuck mutters as they walk out of the theater. “That part when the main character jumped out the shark? Oscar-worthy.”

Mark winces before he lets out a small laugh, shaking his head, and suggests going to buy bubble tea simply so the evening won’t be a complete failure. Because Donghyuck never rejects an offer to buy sweets, especially if Mark is willing to pay, he agrees.

It’s when he’s sipping his chocolate milk tea with coconut jelly that Donghyuck asks the question that had been running through his mind since he’d first bumped into Mark.

“So how come you’re watching a movie with me and not Lucas?”

Mark takes a sip of his plain green tea, chews on a tapioca pearl.

“Well, I think his girlfriend would mind. Jungeun is really nice, but I doubt she would like it even if Lucas and I only dated for about a week.”

“You broke up?”

Mark nods and Donghyuck exhales, the set of his shoulders relaxing.

They finish the rest of their drinks in comfortable silence, only broken when they are nearing Donghyuck’s apartment.

He only hesitates for a second before he turns to Mark again.

“Do you have any plans on Thursday?” Donghyuck asks and hopes that he didn’t read Mark’s invitation to hang out incorrectly. That Mark hadn’t meant for it to be a one-time thing, or something he felt obligated to do since they were the only ones still in town.

Mark shakes his head.

“Not really. I promised Jaehyun that I was going to play basketball with him in the morning but other than that, no.”

“I’ll be in the studio until five but I saw that there was a two-for-one bike rental deal just a block away. I was going to go with Doyoung but he cancelled. If you feel like it of course.”

It’s only when he’s finished speaking that Donghyuck realizes that he never really asked Mark a question, but Mark gets it either way, smiling.

“Sure. Sounds fun.”

* * *

While Mark has always been laid-back about most things in life, he’s also always been very competitive and they race until sweat is running down Donghyuck’s back, until it darkens outside. The race only ends when Donghyuck swerves in order to avoid crashing into a boy fiddling with his phone much to Donghyuck’s annoyance and Mark’s delight.

He allows Mark to stew in his own happiness for a minute before he tugs at his sleeve, not noticing his own action until Mark glances down at his arm.

Donghyuck doesn’t move his hand, and Mark doesn’t make a move to shake him off either, eyes becoming a little bit gentler. He drags Mark to the food stand by the river, and they end up sitting in the grass eating chicken and drinking soju, surrounded by couples and constellations of friends. There is music coming from a speaker further down, and Donghyuck has to stifle a smile when he meets Mark’s eyes.

They’re more grown up now than they had been and they haven’t hung out like this in almost two years, but there is something so natural about being around Mark, something so effortless.

It should terrify him, but it just makes him feel feverish, jittery in a good way.

“So,” he says. “you and Lucas broke up after a week?”

Mark hums.

“I think we both knew it wasn’t going to work, but Lucas said he was happy that he’d at least given it a shot. We’re still friends.”

Mark picks at the grass.

“What about you?” He asks. “Are you dating someone?”

“No.”

“Why?”

Donghyuck gives the same answer that he gave back then, when Jeno had asked the same question over lunch when they we’re still in high school.

“Figure I would break too many hearts.”

He means for it to sound lighthearted, but Mark just winces and Donghyuck regrets his words instantly.

He has no idea if Mark is still interested in him, if dating Lucas is what finally got him over him, how _much_ of Mark that was still interested in him back then, but he knows the hurt that he caused Mark after his mother died, after the party.

“I see.” Mark says, and dusts dirt off of his pants, getting up.

Donghyuck follows, finding himself thinking of the words Mark had said about Lucas, about Lucas at least being happy that they’d given it a shot. He thinks about the words he didn’t say back in their hometown after that disastrous party, about the unspoken words outside of Mark’s apartment.

The words solidify and turn to lead inside of him, and Donghyuck knows with certainty that he won’t be able to breathe properly until he gets them off his chest.

Donghyuck slows down, coming to a stop just as their paths diverge.

“Donghyuck?” Mark asks. “Is everything okay?”

“Ask me again why I’m not dating anyone.”

“Donghyuck, you—”

“Just ask me.”

He must see something on Donghyuck’s face because he gathers himself.

“Why aren’t you dating anyone?” He asks, voice tight.

Donghyuck takes a deep breath.

“Because I still love you.”

Mark stares at him with large eyes. Then his expression shutters.

“Donghyuck, you don’t have to—”

“Let me finish.” Donghyuck says. “I should have said this a long time ago. When my mother died I thought she had spent the last night of her life miserable because I had chosen to be with you. And I felt like I was betraying her every time I was with you, because that was the only time I actually felt better. I know that a lot of time has passed since then, that you’ve probably moved on, but if you give me a chance I promise I’ll make it up to you.”

Mark looks overwhelmed.

“You don’t have to give me an answer yet.” Donghyuck says. “I just needed to get this off my chest.”

A part of him is surprised by his own confession, but mostly he just feels like he’s poured a pitcher of ice cold water over himself after a swelteringly hot day, tension bleeding from his entire body. Even if Mark tells him that the feelings he's had for him are gone, he’s still tried, and though it makes his chest feel tight at the thought of that happening, it’s not up to him now anymore.

The ball is in Mark’s court.

He takes a shower and is in the middle of pouring some water into a large glass later that evening when the doorbell rings. He puts the glass of water down and tries to calm his nerves, already knowing who the person on the other side of the door is.

He has just opened the door when Mark kisses him.

His mouth is soft and firm against his and Donghyuck is surprised for a long second before he responds eagerly, tugging Mark closer and returning the kiss. Mark jolts against him as they stumble into the apartment, the door closing behind them, but Donghyuck refuses to break the kiss.

His feels more drunk off the feeling of having Mark close, off having his tongue in his mouth than he did of the bottle of soju he and Mark shared, heart so full he feels like it will burst.

He runs his fingers through Mark’s hair, black strands of hair smooth under his touch, and while Mark’s skin is cool from the evening chill, Donghyuck’s is warm enough for both of them. He kisses Mark until they’re both panting, until Mark breaks away to suck in a breath of air, staring back at him with translucent eyes.

His lips are swollen, red, and Donghyuck can’t stop himself from leaning in once more, finding it entirely too early to stop kissing.

In the small part of Donghyuck’s brain that is still cognitive, he realizes that this is what kissing is supposed to be like. That kissing feels a hundred times different if it is with someone he actually likes. He thinks he could spend an entire day, his entire lifetime exploring Mark’s mouth, learning how to pull moans from his mouth, how he tastes.

He tugs at Mark’s shirt, pulling it over his shoulders, and wastes no time in moving his lips over to his neck. Mark shudders against him, and although Mark has never been particularly muscular, the basketball practices have made him lean, and Donghyuck can feel his muscles tense under his touch when he allows his fingers to ghost over them.

Arousal pools in Donghyuck’s gut when Mark pulls his shirt over his shoulders as well, fingers coming to rest on the button of Donghyuck’s trousers.

“Can I…?” Mark breathes, and Donghyuck just nods, not trusting his own voice.

Mark fumbles with the button for a second or two before unzipping his pants, and Donghyuck holds his breath when Mark slips his fingers beneath the waistband of his grey boxers, fingers coming to wrap around his cock.

Donghyuck’s heart pounds in chest, blood roaring in his ears as he leans against Mark’s shoulder, breathless.

“Is this okay?” Mark asks, tightening his fingers around him, and when he looks up Mark’s cheeks are flushed, eyes blown. Donghyuck jerks in Mark’s grip, cock apparently finding the look entirely too appealing. Precum leaks from the tip, and makes the slide of Mark’s hand less dry, easier.

“ _Yes_ ,” he pants, knowing that he will come in no time if Mark continues his ministrations, and while the need to orgasm burns throughout his entire being, he doesn’t want it to happen just yet. Not when they’re not skin to skin, not when he doesn’t get to see Mark as well.

He backs Mark up against his bed, Mark falling onto it with a soft sound, and shimmies out of his pants.

“Do you have lube?” Mark groans as Donghyuck drags his own pants off as well.

Donghyuck pauses, tries his best to think about anything other than the wet patch that he can see on Mark’s boxers, the outline of his cock.

“I—no. Sorry.” Not that Donghyuck had hooked up with a lot of people lately, but they were usually the ones who had lube, Donghyuck rarely bringing anyone home.

“I have some body lotion in the bathroom, though.” He says, and with no other option they make due.

It’s not lube so doing anything more than just touching will have to wait, but Donghyuck finds that he doesn’t mind too much when he rubs the lotion between his fingers and takes both of their cocks into his hands. With the lotion and their mixed precum it is wet enough and coupled with Mark’s mouth and cock sliding against his, it has Donghyuck feeling a familiar tension in his lower abdomen before he knows it.

“Faster,” Mark pants, and Donghyuck complies, the feeling of Mark’s cock sliding against his making it difficult to think. Mark’s cock is pretty, and Donghyuck groans, making a note to go and buy lube first thing in the morning.

“Wanted you like this for ages,” Mark exhales, a wreck. “Wanted to kiss you and hold your hands and be like this for years.”

It’s his confession and nothing else that tips Donghyuck over the edge, causes him to shatter against Mark. Pleasure burns through him, and he can just make out Mark gasping his name before he feels Mark follow, wrapping his own hands around their cocks. Donghyuck shudders, vision fading to black, and is too far gone to do anything other than collapse on the bed when it is over, relishing in the intimacy of it all.

When he finally manages to open his eyes, to do anything other than breathe in the familiar scent of Mark’s skin, he notices that Mark somehow manages to look shy even after everything they’ve done, a small smile on his face.

“Sorry.” He says and after noticing Donghyuck’s raised eyebrow he elaborates. “I didn’t plan on this happening when I came here, I just… when you never wanted me around after your mother died I thought it was because you regretted ever becoming anything more than friends, that you didn’t like me anymore. I thought that was the reason you kissed Yoojin, to make a point.”

Donghyuck lets out a shuddering breath. Intertwines their fingers.

“It wasn’t. I just felt like I didn’t deserve it, didn’t deserve to be happy. And then I felt like I didn’t really have the right to contact you at all.”

“Oh.”

Mark lets out a wet laugh and Donghyuck doesn’t really know what else to do, other than to snuggle close, to press a tired kiss against his lips, against his eyes.

“I love you.” He says and Mark tugs him closer, wraps his arms around him.

“I love you, too.”

And the hope that had been snuffed out returns.

_Epilogue_

They don’t announce their relationship to the rest of their friends right away. Instead they go on more dates, even if they usually end up in one of their apartments and most often than not end up making out in various states of undress. They spend the rest of the summer getting to know each other again, relearning one another.

He introduces Mark to Taeil and Doyoung, who both take a liking to him, and although Donghyuck rarely joins in when Mark plays basketball, he watches Mark play on the sides, sending him a smile every time Mark glances his way despite finding the game mostly boring. Mark’s kisses make up for it, though, and he can’t find it in himself to complain when he knows that it’s the cause of Mark’s good stamina.

He gets used to waking up to Mark sleeping on the pillow next to him, to Mark coming to pick him up when he gets out of the studio, to finding himself smiling in the middle of the day for no other reason than being so happy that it’s almost painful.

He thinks of eighteen-year-old Donghyuck who had looked forward to moving towns and moving in with Mark, of nineteen-year-old Donghyuck who was sure that he would never as much as smile in Mark’s direction again. He thinks of his mother, about sunshine shining on her grave.

About Mark slipping his hand into his.

When the summer approaches its end, Renjun is the first to reach out in their joint group chat, making plans for them all to meet up in a park and order pizza, catch up.

Jaemin, Jeno and Renjun are all there when he and Mark arrive, one of Renjun’s legs slung casually over Jeno’s.

They gape at them when they spot them approaching together.

“Did you bump into each other on the way?” Jeno asks, surprised.

Donghyuck smirks, says “It’s difficult not to when we live together,” and Renjun blinks, before he lets out a snort of laughter.

“Fucking finally.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading this story! if you liked it please let me know ♡
> 
> [twt](https://twitter.com/donkimaki)


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